Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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