my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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