nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
