somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
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I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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