You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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