You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
