What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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