don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
