i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
