You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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