My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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