see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
