Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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