I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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