first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
smell my finger.
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You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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