just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize