splinters make it hard to masturbate
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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