Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
