The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
