She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
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I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.