Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
