just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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