Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
