so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
