i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
