I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
