Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Oh god it's open bar.
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