I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
