WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
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I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
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finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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