You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
