I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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