That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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