We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
