sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.