He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I met the friendliest cop last night
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
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Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then