she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
