guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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