Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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