A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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