Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize