I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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