Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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