a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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