Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
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How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
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He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.