I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We left the knife in your bed.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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