I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
