Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
