Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
