I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
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I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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