I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
