Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me