Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him